Happy Birthday Grapa!

That's what I used to call my Grandpa when I was little. Today is his 80th birthday.

I always tell people that my Grandpa is the finest man I have ever known. He is the single cutest and sweetest man on this earth. 

On the same day I could feel so sad and terrible and write a post like the one below titled Why?- I can remain hopeful, because of people like my Gramp. He is a true heart and soul. If more people were like him, I really believe the world would be so much bigger and better than any of us could ever imagine...

Happy Birthday Grapa! I love you! :)

Why?

Yet another daily dose of morning news as I get ready for my day with the latest teen who has either been beaten into a coma or committed suicide because of school or internet bullying. Now I'm hearing about this "trolling" thing where strangers apparently post on Facebook/other social media sites and send emails to the families of these now dead people taunting them, telling they "deserved it"or poking fun at the lost love ones.

Is this happening? Is this the twilight zone?

There is no way I could ever describe the disgust, anger, sorrow and confusion I feel as a perfect stranger watching these stories and I'm not even connected to these poor families. 

These kids who taunt and tease each other so much that some of them get pushed to the point to kill themselves? School officials often KNOWING about the relentless and dangerous bullying and doing nothing about it?! I am horrified.

What can we do to STOP this from happening? How can we help young people (well, any age people for that matter) build self esteem so they live healthier and happier and don't have to attack other people because they hate themselves so much?

I personally will always fight to stay positive about the world. I do think there is hope and possibility for everything for everyone, but we have got to find a way to put an end to these nightmares and start protecting each other more. I believe goodness starts from birth and in the home, but for all these innocent kids who are born into awful situations that offer zero chance for them to become successful, how can we as communities and neighbors better love and support them so they are gifted that deserved chance to grow up and be decent humans?

Someone please enlighten me. I am just beside myself with the constant beat down of senseless tragedy.

VOTE FOR RYAN AND AMANDA!

Here they are. Could they BE any cuter?

They are my pals and the are pretty much like the awesome-est ever. (Yes, I know that is not a word. I am trying to be funny and cute:)

Jump on the bandwagon and vote here to help them win a $100,000 wedding. Can you imaging how much booty-shakin' music and cake they could buy for 100k? Wahoo- I'm in for that!

Vote, vote! DOOOEEET! 

Precious

If you have not seen this movie yet, I encourage you to, just be prepared. Get your Kleenex out and don't plan on scarfing any treats because your stomach is guaranteed to turn during the viewing. 

This movie is incredible. By that I mean an incredibly disturbing and enlightening look into what happens behind closed doors in too many kids lives. The acting was off the charts. Oh my god did Monique deserve that Oscar. I mean talk about channelling some inner demons. She was ugly and evil. An absolute monster to the core. She played her part impeccably. 

I watched this movie two nights ago. Falling asleep both nights, I haven't been able to get the sickening but real images out of my head from this flick. I cannot remember a movie ever doing that to me before.

I'd like to give props here to all those teachers (like the one portrayed in this movie) and any other "safe" adults who work with, support and love the kids that come from these horrific abusive households and somehow mange to show them there is hope out there.

Vote For My Friends!

I need your help!!!

My cutie patootie friends Amanda and Ryan have entered the Crate and Barrel Ultimate Wedding Contest. They can win a super pimp daddy $100k wedding! 

PLEASE CLICK here TO VOTE FOR THEM!

Amanda and Ryan and are in the serious running, they're hot to trot but other couples are blasting in votes too so we need your help to push them past the finish line. VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!!

Maybe I love Amanda and Ryan and think they deserve this ultimate wedding because they are insanely fun and adorable and because they are so good to me as friends. Maybe it's because we've dropped it like it's hot at a party or 2 and on a dance floor on a fairly regular basis (we all know that's a requirement for a good pal), maybe it's because I love that they represent what I believe in too; Health, wellness, love for the earth, feasting with your neighbors, living life to the fullest and just simply being happy.

Yep, it's all that- but mostly because they are amazing people with incredible hearts, that have been through their share of life's challenges and somehow seem to to always keep smiles on their faces and light up every room they walk in to. 

GO AMANDA AND RYAN! WE LOVE YOU! :)

PLEASE VOTE AND PASS THIS ON SO OTHERS CAN VOTE TOO! 

If they win maybe I'll take you as my date to the wedding. Um- can you say party? Did you hear the part about droppin' it like it's hot? Oh yeah...

Drop And Give Me 20

If you ever feel like a super bad-ass because you run and play sports and are "in shape" and you want to get knocked down a few notches, go to a boot camp class. I went to an hour and half class the other night with a friend and tried my best to put in 110% effort. I jumped around with weights like a frog, sprinted suicides like I was trying out for varsity soccer again and lifted and pushed up while counting out loud like I was trying to get be a Navy Seal.

IT KICKED MY ASS.

I mean, not in a bad way. In a wow, I have been an athlete my whole life and I didn't even know I had those muscles way. It is now 2 days later and I just had to get out of my chair at the office like I am 9 months pregnant because my legs are so sore. I have have stretched and stretched while my muscles scream and I even went for my run this morning to try to conquer the pain. Um- can you say quite a sight? I'm confident I looked like a complete idiot and I was laughing most of the way. Couldn't stop thinking- yeah Di, you sure are a bad-ass, you can barely freaking walk! 

Spring has sprung and if you're looking to get that killer bikini bod for summer, I'd suggest a humbling boot camp session. What a fantastic and thorough ass kicking for anyone. 

Now where's my Bengay...

A Short In The Life Of Me

Yep. This is about me and my day today. All complete truth and play by play. I decided to write it in a fun way like my own little movie:)

And scene...

She's cranking out work feeling like a million bucks after a very early morning run and up and atem smile to start a new day. Life is good. She love's her job, family, friends, hobbies. She's just come off a girls weekend (see below) like you read about- so much fun she's still flying high. She's just finished a conversation about weekend plans and she's getting excited for those already even though it's only Tuesday. Out of nowhere she happens to run into something totally random and in a split second 6 million little pieces of something from her past fit together, and not in a good way. 

Enter that feeling that 50 people have just taken their shoes off and smashed you in the face with them.

She realizes, sitting there happily alone in that chair at Starbucks cranking out that work and about to pack up and get into the office that indeed her ex fiance' had been cheating on her. 

Fuckface!- she thinks to herself. Then, hmmm- I don't much think about this person from long ago, If I have moved on, if I'm busy doing 100 other things just now, how the hell is it that this was the day those 6 million pieces popped in my head to make sense of something that I was wasn't even looking to make sense of?

Ahhh, yes of course. Like it or not the truth always shows up, and at random, whenever the hell it wants to- even if it's a hundred years later.

First she feels rage, then she wants to cry. She wonders why if it's been so long and she wants nothing to do with this person anymore, if life has moved on and there's even been another romantic relationship in between why she'd feel anything at all. She then realizes being made a fool of is humiliating. She's horrified to think it's possible for someone to sleep at night after they've looked into someone else's eyes swearing up and down about certain things and defending x,y,z. How can anyone just bold-face, flat out lie?

Maybe she could've avoided that nightmare she had lived; months of sleepless nights and no appetite, the buckets of tears, the lost, hopeless, confused, insecure feelings of "what could I have done so bad/wrong?" and  "How could I have been better?" Then- "To think I almost hit the point where I didn't believe in anything anymore- all because of one deceitful shmuck.?!" Argh!!!

She sits for a few minutes, shaking her head thinking; What a piece of shit.

Enter simultaneous vision silver lining, flash to what's now, real, true and today; March 23, 2010. While she has another moment of feeling pissed off and like the world's biggest idiot for letting herself get hosed, she realizes she had probably actually been in denial the whole time not seeing the forest through the trees anyway. What she can see now is how hard she's fought and fought and busted 66 asses to get where she is, she has a bagillion things to be thankful for and look forward to. She feels a furry of all the good (friends, love, lessons, vision, etc.) that ended up coming from that past nightmare she lived and a peaceful feeling rushes in along with a coy smile spreading across her face. Oh the places she will go she thinks, and this just more fuel to feed the good fire. She feels immense pride knowing she will never disrespect another human in the way she has been.

...and scene.

Dearest Craig,

From this day forward I will see you only as a first-class piece of shit. I feel sorry for anyone else you include in the path of your destruction. I am so very thankful for you dumping me when you did so I could be free to someday happen upon a guy who is not a piece of shit.

Even though you are an enormous asshole, I'd still like to be nice and offer you a friendly piece of advice:

Watch your back. See, karma is a bitch and it always comes around to bite you in the ass. Enjoy trying to avoid that one. I'd start running now if I were you.

Yours truly,

Diane :) 

***Ahhh, freedom of speech is incredible.

Nice

Saw this on an end cap clearance rack at Target the other day.

Does this mean there wasn't a bum rush of people to buy these?

What gives? I mean- every dog needs a Snuggie right?

Ridiculous. I love it.

This video on the "Official website Snuggie for Dogs will have you rolling...

What I Learned On Girls Weekend

In complete and total random order:

1.) I haven't had nearly enough girls weekends away and they are vital to a well-balanced life.

2.) I don't care what year it becomes, Young MC's Bust a Move will forever be my favorite song to shake my ass to. Click here if you feel like busting it for a minute. Oh yeah- you know you want to.

3.) You really do get way more drunk when drinking in a hot tub.

4.) Someone always ends up naked and peeing outside.

5.) Some girls talk about poop. A lot.

6.) It is entirely possible to laugh so hard your stomach hurts for 72 hours straight.

7.) When you're in good company, you forget that TV, computers and an outside world exists and you actually do not even care.

8.) Volleyball courts can double as a sandy beach to lay out and tan on.

9.) Be-bopping and dancing around like your 13 as you shower and get ready to go out is so fun.

10.) S'mores with mild and dark chocolate are so much better than with just one or the other.

11.) Smoking a pipe like an old man is fun.

12.) Tolerant husbands that open their houses with a smile to 3 crazy girls so they can come hang with their wife for 3 days are awesome. 

13.) Tolerant husbands that serve drinks (we didn't even ask him to) and clean up dirty dinner dishes (we didn't even ask him to) while 4 nutty and loud chicks (that would be us) run around his house like idiots disturbing the peace- are saints. I mean damn. This guy is a keeper and then some.

14.) Ready made cosmos are delicious.

15.) No one seems to drink coffee as strong as I do. Maybe I came from Italy in a former life?

16.) Jamming out to Lady GaGa in the car on the way to a bar in a city you don't live in is like wicked fun.

18.) Pizza at 2am somehow always tastes better than any other time of the day.

19.) Cool and easy to hang with chicks are very hard to come by and somehow I found 3 that are friends.

20.) The subject of why boys are stupid always comes up.

21.) I'm a talker and am very used to yapping, but my lord I didn't think even a chatter like me could talk that much.

22.)I didn't go to college and that has never bothered me but after hanging with 3 girls that went to school together gave me a little of that feeling; Doh! I missed out on all that bonding fun?! Bummer.

23.) Being able to be real with people and have them be the same with you is THE BEST.

24.) There is absolutely no replacement to having and spending time with gal pals just letting it all hang out.

Thanks La, C and L! I feel like you're my long lost sisters! What a friggin blast. Chicks rule.

Peanut Butter Toast And Mojitos

Just a small yummy snack and drink to have while chilling in a hot tub after a long run in the sun and a morning laying out in the sand with your gal pals.

I mean- off the charts fun girl weekend away. They should put a warning label on those things...

Naked Chicks In Hot Tubs

Yep.

For real. But get your mind out of the gutter. Not that.

More on this later...too busy having fun this weekend:)

Maybe Cloth Napkins ARE Sexy

One of the biggest reasons I love running is because I have these aha moments. It's like my alone time that things just come to me because no one is talking, no phones are ringing and it's impossible to carry a laptop. This mornings thoughts; If I'm practicing healthy things, I'll spend less money, be good to the planet AND be able to pay off my debt. Hmmm. One smart thing leads to another, then rest falls into place automatically and when that starts rolling guess what I get in the long run?

FREEDOM AND CONFIDENCE. 

Yesssssss! I want it I want it!

That stuck and yuck feeling of not having freedom or confidence just plain sucks (I feel stuck and yuck if I fall into a pattern of consistently eating unhealthy foods, when I frett about paying bills, when I do don't work that's meaningful to me and when I panic that the planet is going to up and collapse because humans are so wasteful.) I don't like feeling stuck and yuck, so I'd like to start sharing some practices I have adopted that I think could help others while I help myself. Some of these things I'll share might seem small and silly, but they do add up and make a difference. I posted about eating local and organic for super cheap a couple days ago. That's an example of what I try to do on a daily basis. After my own gluttony and ignorance in the past, I have made the following  intentions for myself in 2010 and so far they're working like a charm:

1.) Respect the earth.

2.) Pat attention to my individual mental and physical health.

3.) Do work that feeds my soul and that I give a shit about.

4.) Spend less and pay off more.

I know can only control way I make efforts to live healthy and make myself happy for me, but at least it makes me feel good to try and share what I have learned from my 10,000 mistakes. My tip for today is (hey- not the sexiest, but for some reason it popped into my head this morning so here goes):

STOP buying paper napkins and paper towels. I haven't purchased these things in at least a year. A roll of paper towels can be up to $2.00 and pack of napkins around $3.00 (if not more if you buy fancy ones.) Its probably safe to say the typical household uses at least 4 rolls of paper towels and 2 packs of napkins each in a month. That's $168 a year! Buy some flour sack towels (pictured here from my kitchen), or cloth non-fancy napkins instead. You can wash and reuse and not throw anything in the landfill. I bought the 5 I have in a pack for $5.00. That's a savings for me of $163.00 a year and they work better than the paper stuff anyway!

I don't know about you, but I have plenty of thoughts on bills I could pay down or a treat I could get for myself or someone I love with an extra $163.00 a year. Totally worth it.

Even A Homeless Dude Has 3 Quarters

I stopped at my local market this morning to grab a breakfast on the go.

.49 for an organic granny smith apple.

.36 for organic honey sesame sticks

YUM.

Grand total; .75 

This is only the beginning of me putting the kibosh on the ever annoying and ridiculously untrue "I cant's" I seem to hear all the time about, well- everything.  

Really people? 

One of my recent favorites is; "I can't afford to shop local or eat organic."

Ok, where here's one example to call a bullshit on that excuse.

If anyone out there has an argument as to why this option is too expensive or not healthy enough and you have a better solution for us all, please let me know. I am all ears and I'd love to share your information here.

It's 2:20am

...and I can't sleep. 

Again. 

This has become a thing for me recently. I wake up at around 2am, usually toss and turn for a good few hours, my mind starts racing and I just can't fall asleep again until it's about time to get up. I can't say I'm surprised that last night after sitting in silence for 6 hours alone on my couch just thinking, writing and laying it all out there in my last post- I slept like a newborn baby after a feeding or someone that had been drugged. Ahhh...it was incredible. My peaceful and deep sleep then lead to a bouncier than normal morning run, a productive and fulfilling day at work, then extra-enjoyable night catching up with a friend over dinner and glass of wine. Funny the sense of freedom and energy that rushes in after telling the complete truth and just letting all control go. It's too bad I was so scared to tip the scales to that final stretch before. Good things is now that I am that cat out of the bag and I'm never getting back in. 

***I've gotten a bunch of feedback about that enormous post. People don't always post comments here as much as contacting me directly. This would probably be a good place for me to insert that I am thankful and love the direct contact and comments from you all, but I'd much prefer and really love it if you'd post here instead of writing me directly. I am all about sharing with everyone!***

My Embrace The Suck novel represents a significant turning point, or maybe I should say new beginning point in my life that I have needed. This whole personal blogging thing has been just that. Me using a channel, a place like the world wide web to learn during those times I think I am going crazy or "the only one"- that there are a significant amount of people out there just like me trying to figure it all out and grow up. 

Since the start of my writing over a year and a half ago here, I've thought a million times; Um did I just air all my dirty laundry on the internet for anyone to read?-Maybe I should delete that. What if so and so's parents see this?-Maybe I should delete that. I wonder what the people at the office will think?- Maybe I should delete that. Will my friends think I'm a nutcase and will this make boys run away?-Maybe I should delete that. (I am laughing now as I type. Oh the fear fear fear.) Something has kept me from back spacing all this time and I am so glad for that. It's probably that sense of freedom, like I'm getting out of jail every time I press the "PUBLISH POST" button. That freedom feels like I can push the weight of the world off myself for at least one minute. 

In closing so I can try to get some sleep, the best thing about airing the dirtiest of my laundry to the entire world is that it quickly welcomes the like-minded, no bull, genuine people into my life (the ones that I want) and weeds out the fakers and scaredy-cats. I'm finally smart enough to know that my time is much too precious to waste on the fake and scared so let my laundry continue to air, air, air...

Embrace The Suck

You better get your reading glasses on. This could be a long one.

The past few weeks have been kind of sucky and depressing for me. Not that I haven't been doing fun things, felt thankful for what I have or that I'm unhappy about anything necessarily, just a nagging feeling of something I couldn't put my finger on- or was too scared to. I made some big ol changes for the start of 2010. I got a new job, moved to a different state, got a new apartment, bought all new belongings, have made new friends and have never felt more balanced, independent, smarter or happier. This is the truth and not sugar coated bullshit. But? Then there is that nagging, awful feeling still, that thing I feel like is keeping me from me from being even more bad ass than I already am. 

It's time for me to squash that shit once and for all. This is not a warning, but this is going to get ugly before it gets pretty, so strap on your seat belt. 

(In total random order; I am typing as fast as I can as my body and brain flood finally getting some of this out.)

1.) Not one single thing has ever made me feel happier or peaceful than traveling and writing this blog.

2.) I have $28,086 in debt and not the "good" kind. 

Sure a big chunk of it came from a broken engagement, but most of it because I was flip-flopping and flailing like and idiot with different jobs and moves and didn't have a steady paycheck for two years. (Oh being an immature kid trying to find the light.) I have always been prideful about being a money savvy girl. Ironically, I even sit down with people and teach them how to save money on their monthly bills occasionally so it really pisses me off that I finally crunched numbers on myself and the calculator read $28k. WTF?!

3.) I have the best friends and family in the whole wide world. That's a fact.

4.) I have a job and in a company that I love more than I ever have any other.

It's so much bigger than getting a paycheck. I have a boss who respects and loves me after having had plenty of shitty ones who never cared. It's great.

5.) Even though I am 5 foot 3 inches and have always weighed between 115-135 pounds, weight has always been an issue for me. 

I bet 95% of you are gasping right now? What? the athletic, active Diane? Yep. It's true. This is something that I struggle with every single day. I was raised in a loving family, but one that was very unhealthy and overweight. Much is the same today. I have and do binge eat from time to time and it's disgusting. When I do it makes me feel awful about myself and my body and often like I hate myself. Addiction is the same for anyone; never specifically about the food, drugs, etc. but about a bigger issue. I continue to try and understand myself and this issue. It sucks and is really hard. I have never talked to anyone about this. I've somehow managed to keep my loss and gain within a 15 pound range for years, but it is no way to live and it is completely unhealthy. This is a very embarrassing thing for me to admit. As I educate myself more on how the human body works and what it needs, the art of where food comes from and over all health, I want more and more to help educate and motivate people like me who might have similar issues to live healthier.

6.) My Dad is an Alcoholic. 

I didn't realize this until about 9 years ago. Not because of denial, but because my Dad is a Functioning Alcoholic so it never registered with me. He's this friendly, country redneck guy, who never really worked too much but hunts a lot. He does his own thing never really bothering anyone. (Never really contributing to anything either for that matter.) I hated him, I mean loathed him until about 6 years ago. He has never been abusive to any of the family , but he sure has never been a Dad either. It's all I know so it's normal to me. Growing up and even now when I say "my parents" it means my Mom. She was basically a married but single Mom raising 4 kids and did a seriously kick-ass job with what she had. I have always been protective of her and hated my Dad for years thinking- what a jerk! He's a bad husband. That is until the day it really dawned on me that anyone is an idiot to stay in a bad marriage after 30-something years putting up with someone else's bullshit. So? As the years have passed and I grow older I have stopped encouraging my Mom to leave because like anyone else, she will when and if she is ready- until then it's her choice how she wants to live. I sure don't want that kind of marriage so I learn from it all every day as a lesson. (I know you will read this Mom and crazily enough, be more proud of me for being honest than embarrassed for yourself. For that I cry as I type this and feel stronger than I ever have. I love you. Thank you.)

During a conversation at Thanksgiving a few months ago, I realized that holy shit- my Dad is only 52 and will most likely die in the next few years. (Ugh.) It never really dawned on me until then, that Alcoholism kills people and you can literally drink yourself to death. While my Dad has never really been in my life at all and could never begin to understand what I do or who I am, I'm at peace with him. It's taken a lot of life lessons for me to get where I am on this subject. Since that day a few month ago I realized his fate, I simply feel sorry for him. He has 4 amazing kids, a wonderful wife and booze has run his life. Before he dies, he will never experience the greatness he has in front of him or see the life so many people could only hope for. What a shame for all of us.  

7.) I found a lump in my breast in November. 

No breast cancer for now thankfully, but holy shit was that confused look on the first Doctor's face not fun. Feel your boobs regularly ladies. It pays to know your body and take immediate action when something doesn't feel right. Don't be afraid. If you are, call me- I'll go to your appointment with you.

8.) I suck at technology and am often embarrassed by it. 

I have computer skills of a 6th grader. I have often avoided previous opportunity in my life because pride was in the way of asking for help. I feel silly now for that and have been teaching myself a lot lately.

9.) My little brother is gay and he is awesome. I mean THE BEST. 

For anyone out there who thinks gay people are bad, weird, wrong or freaky- this is my personal invitation for you to go suck it. I mean- really, go fuck yourself. (Same goes for no-good reason haters of Black people, Latinos, Transvestites, etc. You can all just go fuck yourselves:)

10.) I was once engaged to the "perfect" uber hot, nice, smart guy who literally woke up one day, said he "had a dream" and then dumped me right then and there. 

Well, technically I stood in the doorway saying what the fuck?! for a few minutes, left for a few hours, came back and then he dumped me and took the ring off. Ouch. This was not so much fun, especially because our entire apt. was packed up and we were supposed to move out of state together like a week later. There. That clears up the story for any residuals out there that occasionally pop up now and asked me horrified- What happened?! So shocked that "The perfect good looking couple who had it all" (what a joke that "having it all" thing is in reality) could've ever broken up. Yeah- we did, he dumped me. He was an uber ass to dump me the way he did, but when we were together I had actually become a mean, miserable and quite lost human, just not understanding which end was up with myself so I can't say I blame him for peacing out. It was actually the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks Craig:) I mean, I didn't know that awesome opportunity for growth at the time when I had to sell everything I owned and escape to another country so I could attempt to breathe, but I got a trip to Argentina and time with brother I will never forget out of the deal. That and a 30lb weight-loss and Kate Moss body for a few months because I literally could not eat or sleep. (By the way, ladies; If you ever think it'd be fun to be sickly skinny like a super model- think again. I looked like a skeleton and have never felt so disgusting in my entire life.) 

Last note on this one; I am 100% sure that if I did not have the love and support of family and friends during this specific past difficult growth time in my life- I would have had some serious suicidal thoughts. So scary. I will never look at anyone's devastation from a broken relationship the same again.

11.) As of today, I still totally love and miss a guy named Sam.

I thought for sure I'd become a lesbian or hate men for 10 years after my engagement break up. Funny enough, literally the day after my last encounter with my ex when I had that- I am so sick of being sick over this- feeling, I met a group of guys. Sam was one of them. I thought nothing of it or him at the time as dating was sure the last thing on my mind, but a couple weeks later by chance I ended up hanging out with him. I had so much fun that night I literally felt like I had a rebirth. I don't think he knows this but after the first time we hung out I literally ran into my house, closed the door, fell against it and started sobbing. (Yes- just like the movies) I immediately knew there was something about this guy that I was totally drawn to. I also knew the reason I was sobbing was because I had let go of a person I was engaged to. I hadn't thought that would ever happen especially just like that (snap fingers here) but it did and was surprising, scary and exhilarating all at once.

I fought and fought to not like or be with Sam, but it didn't take long to give up my fight and want to be around him all the time. Oh what a fun summer it was last year. Then in comes reality knocking at the door when you haven't fully dealt with things or "gotten your shit together." It knocked on mine. I was still a hot mess of figuring myself out, Sam had pretty much closed up and run away (sigh...boys...what gives?) and when I got a job offer that was a great opportunity for me- I up and moved alone and here we are today. I don't pine or cry over Sam, but boy do I miss him sometimes and that hurts my heart. Even though I only spent a short time with him, he was so important to me. A genuine and true good soul and spirit that is like no other. I never once missed the man I was engaged to the way I have missed Sam. That's pretty powerful stuff and shows me that indeed feeling like someone is your best friend too is key to a successful relationship. Sam was my friend. I actually liked him. Now he doesn't ever talk to me, that pretty much sucks- but again lessons learned and no hard feelings. It's amazing how confident I can feel about telling someone I love and miss them even though they have disappeared out of my life. Your loss buddy:)

12.) Fear of mine; Being a mom. 

I scoffed at the thought of having babies or ever having a family, until last summer actually. Silly as it is, motherhood to me always looked like my mom stressed and trying to make ends meet with the 4 of us kids or those many other moms out there who are fat and frumpy after giving birth for the rest of eternity, never to be sexy again. I realize now that you don't have to wear mom jeans, get fat or become boring if you have kids. Your life doesn't have to stop when you have shorties (thanks Lukie:) You can actually be fun, fit and actually take the little rugrats on trips with you, out in public and yep- even to a bar. If I am ever a mom (don't get too excited people, I have no idea if this is in the cards for me and it is soooooo not a priority right now obviously) I'm going to chuck my earth-loving and respectful hippie-kids in the car and speed off to the play ground and let them play in the mud. just like my Mom let us. We all turned out just fine. None of this uptight mom stuff.

13.) Even though I was engaged, I could never picture a wedding or getting married. (Again, until last summer.) 

Now thinking it might be possible is scary thought because I sit at far too many weddings when the "speak now or forever hold your peace" thing is said and there I am with white knuckles fighting the urge. I know TONS of unhappy married people and it's sad. (No wonder all the boys and girls run away from each other, people are always bitching about their spouses! Wives are nagging at husbands and husbands are hitting on the one single girl in the room. Gross.) Who am I kidding, I have been told one too many times that no man will be able to "handle" me. I'm beginning to think that's true, but maybe that's a good thing.

14.) I think cheaters suck. 

I am so not perfect (-have you read about my life above?) but I can proudly say I have never cheated on anyone. I know some cheaters. They make me sick.

15.) We were on food stamps for a while when I was growing up.

Mom would drive 2 towns away because she was so embarrassed. I can understand why. It wasn't because my parents were incapable of earning money for food to feed us, Mom was taking care of us and Dad was too busy drinking and hunting to work. 

16.) My parents were married when they were 15 and 18. 

Yes. Holy shit. Mom quit school in 9th grade. Went back at night to get here GED when she was a married teen Mom and graduated from college just 4 years ago. Go Mom! See? Anything is possible. 

17.) I didn't go to college. 

I moved out of my house when I was 17. I had applied to school and was accepted (for fashion design programs) I paid for the applications myself and pretty much had zero guidance from anyone. Again, my Dad was doing whatever he did in his selfish world, and Mom was too busy keeping us afloat to guide with college apps. 

At the time when I was 17, not leaving for college like all my friends and felt like a loser telling those college-bound friends parents that I was going to be a waitress, I got plenty of looks from them to fit that very loser feeling I had . Years later when some of those same past glaring parents told me how "lucky" I was because I had traveled and I had had all these experiences, while their now college-graduated kid was "confused and figuring it out now with 100k in college loans and isn't it awful they are just a waitress, all I could do was shake my head. I thought, maybe now that your kid is where I was- you won't look down on the next kid you meet like us. Oh how things come full circle.

(If you never went to college, it's Ok, I promise. You can still make it all work.)

18.) I think fat kids (and badly behaving pets) are TOTALLY the product of shitty parenting.

19.) Boo to Facebook (with the exception of from a marketing and business perspective) and online dating. 

They seem to be an easy escape and excuse for people to not get off their asses to spend time actually doing/joining an activity/thing they really love for themselves, where they'd probably find like-minded people to be real friends and perhaps to date. These online "tools" are ways to avoid real human interaction. Like forcing relationships and expecting the world to drop a delivery of amazing people at your feet for putting out such little effort. I don't get it. I just don't believe things work that way.

Shoot me now. I am Ok with being in the minority.

There's so much more. This feels great. I'm not being mean, I am putting my truths and opinions out there. I need to do that to grow. I told a friend today that I love writing here because if nothing else, it's me taking ownership of all the things I do and learn why I do them. She replied that yes, it's as if writing here and exposing myself holds me accountable. There you have it. This is me holding myself accountable, being truthful and attempting to keep only company around me who aren't afraid to do the same. Perhaps exposing myself to the world here and cutting out all the bullshit, those last few doors in life will open for me that I've been trying to break through for so long. 

Thanks for pushing me P. You're probably really are the first person who has been able to see all that I am and what I will be. I'll keep churning away. Yes, I will always hate seafood and no- there's not a chance in hell you will ever see me naked.

Manchego Fritters

...and good times with friends at Cous Cous on a Thursday night.

So many fun things to do and places to go, so little time.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

This Is Why You're Fat...

...don't fool yourself.

Right after writing about Food, Inc. yesterday, I walked into a grocery store and saw these stacked right next to the salad bar of all places. Geez, it is such a mystery why people are so fat and unhealthy. Hmmm. I just can't figure it out.

When a huge company like Doritos knows they can start producing a chip called "Late Night all night CHEESEBURGER" in the year 2010 and grocery stores will use key real estate on their end caps to display them because they know these types of products will fly off the shelves- all I can do is shake my head. It's just plain disgusting and irresponsible on everybody's part.

I'm not mean, I'm just honest. I used to think this stuff was funny. (I'm still a believer in rainbows and butterflies, that will never change- don't worry. I just think about some things much differently now after educating myself with facts and being a bit more realistic and honest with myself.)

Consumers drive production. It's simple. If we stop buying this garbage companies will stop producing it. As Americans we all have a choices that lots of people in other places aren't privy to. Maybe we should respect the abilities we have in freedom of choice and start at least attempting to make smarter purchasing decisions on a daily basis. If they don't listen now, eventually they will.

Beef With A Side Of Ammonia And E. Coli Please

Being the sister of an Organic Farmer and as a pretty health-conscious, active and fit person, I am ashamed to admit it took me until last night to watch Food, Inc. 

Reaction? Two words; holy and shit. 

If you haven't already, before your next meal- run, don't walk to your nearest video store (bonus points if you do actually run or walk to a locally owned one) rent it, watch it and pass it on. 

Ever seen that bumper sticker that read; "If you think education is expensive, try ignorance." ? Well, here's an idea for one; If you think Organic is expensive, try ignorance.

I have too much to say about this, I could type for hours. Oh do I have thoughts and questions but I will have to cut it short, get on with my work day and come back to this later. I feel absolutely disgusted, angry and overwhelmed. I'm inspired to change the things I haven't already in my diet, read, research and investigate all there is out there to learn on this subject and help to spread knowledge about where the food we eat comes from. I knew I'd watch this documentary and never "go back." That's probably why I avoided watching it for so many months.

I told you those would be my last chicken nachos D. I want to puke just thinking about them. Guess we'll have to find beer and carrot sticks next time.

FOOD, INC.

DO YOUR HEALTH AND THE EARTH A FAVOR AND WATCH IT. You really will never look at dinner the same again.

Litterers Suck

This morning I hit my limit. I have seen enough.

To all Litterers out there:

YOUR CIGARETTE BUTT IS EFFIN LITTER TOO YOU UNCONSCIOUS AND RUDE MORON!!!

Jesus pete. I mean, it's not enough that you throw your random trash on the sidewalk in front of me every single morning I run through our neighborhood by 7 o'clock in the morning while the city's Clean and Safe program employees sweep it up in front of you. Nope. You keep going, finish your nasty cigarette and throw that in the pile too. 

No respect. You suck.

I don't think there's much positive use in going on ranting hateful tangents but I have to this morning. It really ticks me off when people throw cigarette butts on the ground. DOES THIS NOT JUSTIFY A TICKET THE SAME AS THROWING A PIECE OF PAPER OR A BOTTLE, ETC. OUT THE WINDOW?! Come on!

Here are some stats and info. that are staggering and gross. 

I just don't understand why it's socially acceptable to watch people throw a butt on the ground. We keep our mouths shut when we see that, but when we see a McDonald's bag being tossed, we all want to shake a fist and yell at someone. What gives?

We have ONE Earth. It's a shame so many people just have absolute zero respect for it. 

I think the litterers should be punished by having to live in a dumpster, in the summer when it's 99 degrees and humid. Perhaps while they're barfing their brains out they might get a taste of how repulsed we non-litterers feel when we have to kick the butts and other trash out of the way on the mornings we're up early and out running making our best attempts to live healthy and responsible lives.

Argh...

Calling All Idiots

When people ask me how I get along with so and so, or what I look for in a person for a mate- there's one word that can sum it up and really there's no other that compares; FUN.

I'm big on snail mail and write letters all the time. I have written about this before. One of my Grandmothers recently has been sending me many more letters than usual which is such a huge treat. I love coming home after a long day, checking the mail and having an envelope waiting for me with W.L.Y (translation; We Love You) and smiley faces all over it. 

These letters are nothing more than simple page long notes, usually telling me about how my grandparents went to "get a sandwich" (translation; lunch) with so and so and how; "Well honey, we just had the best time talking for a couple hours and laughing like idiots."

Last night a bunch of friends and I cooked a huge Asian feast for dinner. (I even rolled sushi myself for the first time ever. How fun!) One of the girls and I stopped at Fresh Market on the way to get the fish for the sushi. As we waited at the deli counter in a packed grocery store for the guy to come wrap our order, my friend said laughing; "Hey- check this out!"...and then proceeded to run a few steps and do the jump and click your heels together (you know like maybe a little leprechaun would?) and there we stood cracking up after I followed suit and jumped for my own heel click. 

Of course I proclaimed during our laughter; " HA! I love it- we are such idiots!"

Before dinner last night and after working a long and tiring weekend day, I took 10 minutes to sit doing absolutely nothing in my apartment. I was feeling all happy and lucky that I have a clean, safe apartment I live in that offers warm sun beaming in on late weekend afternoons. Just a simple but delicious ahhh quiet few moments of peace and relaxation in my day that I have come to appreciate so much.

As I got up to head out for the night grabbing my phone, I saw an email informing me that an acquaintance of mine through work had passed away unexpectedly. Way too young, no answers just an informative short email with details to come later. 

Just sad.

I often feel like I am a broken record here writing about how I/we can all/should all appreciate and enjoy every day we have on this earth, so forgive me. I don't necessarily think any of us should walk around in fear or think 24/7 about how to hurry up and party it up because it could be all gone tomorrow. I guess I am just hoping to promote taking the "gift" if you will- from every single tragedy like the above death to have 100 more excuses within our average working days to just enjoy and act like "idiots." 

I am so proud to be from a family of "idiots", be friends with a bunch of "idiots" and that I act like a complete "idiot" pretty much on a daily basis. I wouldn't have it any other way. Someday when I'm not around anymore, all I wish for are the people who love me to be able to stand around, laughing and sharing memories like; "Remember that time we acted like complete idiots at such and such?!" (They will certainly never have a lack of material:)

Here's to laughing over a "sandwich", heel clicking in packed grocery stores when you're 30-something and the fact that anyone that's FUN will so always beat out someone else who's not, for a special spot in the Idiot Club.

Precious Baggage

I was just watching yet another interview about the death of the beautiful and innocent Chelsea King. I feel totally ill and choke back tears when I hear stories like this. I cannot imagine the horror her parents are going through and heartache they will have to live with forever. 

Same for the parents of Morgan Harrington. Yet another young, vibrant woman who's life was cut far too short.

Perhaps these specific cases hit extra close to home for me because I lost two of my teenage girl friends during early years too. We were all about to go forth and conquer it all because life had such possibility. I know what it's like to be the young girl that's still alive and sitting in a funeral home with parents who have lost theirs. Those images are ones I hope to never have to relive. I will never forget after my friends died, for the longest time before I left to go anywhere with friends, my mom used to hug me and tell whomever I was about to ride with; "Please be careful- you're carrying my most precious baggage."

Maybe my heart hurts because I'm female. I wonder why often women have to arm ourselves with mace and be overly aware or on the defensive on a daily basis, just so we're ready to kick anyone's ass if they come within 10 feet of us and look like trouble, or above it all- why there are such rotten, horrible people out there in the world sometimes who hurt others.

Whatever it is, the death of the Chelsea's and Morgan's of the world put me in check everyday to feel more than I am already, that time and life is far more precious than any of us are able to comprehend.

To the families and friends of Chelsea, Morgan and all others alike,

If it can be any bit of consolation or gift to you to know, your girls have inspired me and I'm sure so many other young women, to put in extra work and heart into what we do, so that the spirits of such amazing ladies like yours live on. We hope you somehow find peace in all the beautiful and fun memories you have.

I Might Be On TV Soon

Nope. Not kidding. 

Shhh. Don't tell anyone.

Girl Power

I occasionally fall off the bandwagon and get totally sucked into some complete asinine show like The Bachelor. This is actually the first season I have watched this particular "reality" show. Problem is, now I am hooked. 

I often forget my inner girly-girl, so while it's a bit ridiculous, the occasional Bachelor watching season is a great excuse to sit around with girlfriends and catch up on life, along with drinking sparking wine, eating yummy food and talking about why boys are stupid. (Guys, don't be offended- we still love you too much for our own good. Beau, are you out there?)

Last night as Jake chose Vienna, my friend and I sat in horror stunned at his choice like the other 9 billion woman around America drinking wine and eating cheese at their own season finale shindigs. It's been so fun this season being a girly girl. Conversations have included the "Ugh! I think so too! Why did Ali leave?!" at various social outings and "GROSS! Why is he giving her a rose?!" texts back and forth with girlfriends those few times we were on our respective couches watching alone. After being a "guys girl" my whole life, I often forget how important having friendships and bonding time with other women is. Every so often participating in those completely absurd girly events/hobbies such as watching a TV show like this is an absolute blast and key to keeping us women sane.

Ahhh...the fun and indulgence of reality TV.

Conclusion? Having chick-fests is good times, Ali- we think you were the most adorable by far, we are so stoked you are the next Bachelorette, I am ruined because I am now addicted. Finally- Jake, ABC and whomever else this might apply to; We will never believe you can legitimately be in love with 3+ women at the same time (I mean get real.) We're on to the non-reality. That's Ok though, we love it just the same and we'll keep watching anyway. 

Proving My Previous Post To Be True...

...here is my 72% dark chocolate bar for today. Just a little after business lunch dessert. YUM. (Yeah yeah yeah- I only ate half.)

Ahh...afternoon sunshine and chocolate. Doesn't get much better than that.

Happy Monday.

Who Could Argue With This?

This is perfect. Now I really do have an excuse that eating chocolate is essential to a balanced and healthy life. I knew it! (I guess this means I should be the epitome of health with the amount of the sweet stuff I consume.)

Check out Intentional Chocolate. They say anyone who consumes their chocolate ..."will enjoy an increased sense of energy, vigor, and well-being for the benefit of all beings."

I believe! This company could be my religion.

I am so all about promoting everyone to scarf down at least 1 portion/form of chocolate each day. (Hey, I don't get up early and freeze my a** off to run before work so I can reward myself with a carrot as a treat. I mean come on.) I can safely say I consume something of the chocolate variety a minimum of 350 days a year- and I'm like the poster child for perfection, so why not?

(You know that last line was supposed to make you laugh.)

Anyway...get to eatin' the deliciousness people! Join me in the nosh across America and beyond. I'm off to get a hot chocolate...